quote Gordon Gekko
Everything must be perfect, it must be neat or i can't look at it. It must be balanced or else it won't fit the bill. That let to my social problem.
I am a person with only one rule, things must be in order or i won't agree with it. I carefully plan everything to every second of the day. I looked after myself, clean pressed shirt, neat hair and my school books one my right hand. I hated my hair cause it wasn't exactly neat without gel at night, so i decided to go bald at the age of 15. I was a social outcase cause of that small particular thing, but then it was good cause then i wouldn't waste my time, fixing my friends appearance or re-writing their work if i wanted to copy it.
My parents would love the fact that i was punctual no matter what, but hated that i rushed them to be punctual. But i loved them cause they would always bring me to a special psychologist, Dr Richard. A doctor who would actually listen my problems and laugh with at my humourless jokes. He kept me looking forward for those weekends. He diagnosed my personality disorder as Cluster C, obsessive compulsive, avoidant and dependant. I was still under control but i hated people who disturbed me, made fun of how i walk. Its not wrong to walk on only black tiles, I didn't want to make the white ones dirty.
I haven't told Dr Richard tht i've been having these awful thoughts and actions i would like to do when they either bully me or made fun of me. I hated when they would pushed me around during assembly. Then my shirt would be crumpled the whole day, so one day, i carried a knife with me. Justin shoved me but i grab a hold of his hand and stuck the knife at his biceps and twisted him. Everyone saw it, and back away. I cleaned myself up and acted normally. The teachers came up to me and brought me to the Headmasters office. I requested for them to call my parents.
"I hated it when they messed my clothes up" i said to the principle. "You know how long it took me to iron this shirt just so it would look neat, and Justin had to crumple it. Don't worry now he can't do it, cause i knew i hit a nerve" persuaded me to the principal. "I'm going to have to expel you, don't you know that?". I said "Better, so I don't have to sit in this filthy place anymore" while walking towards the door.
My parents told Dr Richard and I heard him say that I getting worse, I might get aggressive, self-defeating and it wouldn't get any better. I rushed into the room and said that I could try to better myself if no one had to bully me. I blame all of you for not giving me a normal childhood. That day, I walked back home and took the long way through the forest. I reflected on myself and how I would try to better myself. The conclusion was that I just needed to avoid everyone, even Dr Richard.
I requested that my parents would give me privacy when I was at home. I developed a few problems, I would look in the mirror twice before leaving my room, I would open the door 4 times before going through it. I wasn't able to stop these constant habits, I would automatically do this without my realisation that it's been done. I stopped all contact with my friends, because even they called me psycho but I tolerated that. I studied on my own everyday from 9am till 4pm and then only eat breakfast. I eventually stopped studying because it was the same book for 5 months.
Now my life is repetitive, I would wake up at 8am to read 10 pages of any book. Eat to slices of French toast. Shower and then look at the mirror for 5 minutes. I cleaned the house for 2 hours. Have lunch at exactly 1pm everyday having the exact same thing, which is a tin of spam. I would read a book till i finish it before having dinner. I would roll in bed for 5 times starting from the left.
I am alone, I was socially outcased, I was abusive towards other and I still am. I decided to admit myself to rehabilitation. I still live here even though I am 29 years old. This is my story and my life of repetition.
The fear of the mirror,
Keeps me wanting for more,
Cause when I see my reflection,
No medication can stop this addiction.
quote Lucky13
I am who I want to be, I am not in a shell but liquid taking shape
quote Lucky13
Sincerely,
Sociopath.
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