quote Lucky13
I love them, i want them, but at times which is most of the time, i hate them. I envy something cause their lucky, but i love them, and hate them all at the same time. What am i?
Its either me or something in me but i can't seem to make my mind up. I am a proud person, not egoistic, even though i have just a bit running in me but who doesn't have it in them. I defend what i think is right but i also take knowledge cause "He who learns from all, is wise" quoting from Anonymous obviously. Anonymous was an idol cause he or her derived of those people that was determined in life. Lust for knowledge is never a sin.
I am an honest person, but let my story write itself with a bleach white paper and dark black pen. I was never certain one what i wanted even though i was financially stable. I couldn't buy a new house but a new toy for myself. I had a lot of habits in which i try to suppress my disorder. I would constantly ask my parents who loved me for what i was. They always said "We couldn't have a better son". I love it when they say that, but in the back of my head was paranoia, "what if their saying that cause their forced too".
I had an optimistic childhood, good balance of good and exposure to nonsense. I wasn't innocent, i had hidden some things from my parents cause i didn't want their fragile little boy to be misunderstood for something they never hoped i'd be. I was never the one to get along with for a long time, cause i would accidentally lash out towards my friends. So people never got to me, never understood me, cause i never told them. It wasn't a fever my parents said, but i persisted cause people would give me special treatment, in which i hated terribly.
I remember one single ordeal, that inversely changed this disability and into a plus. I was holding hands with love. She was my soul, my beating heart, my ever understanding friend but she never knew of my personality disorder, why? Because of the fear of losing myself in the midst of rage. I was having an argument with love until i lashed out at her. And right after, my disorder kicked in and save the day. I was honest with her, the first person i told that i had an uncontrollable emotional problem. "Yang, I cant help myself. I suffer from this disorder since i was 5 years old, and i understand if you won't talk to me any more".
I got an unexpected reaction. "You know i would love you if you had a mental disorder, i love you and please don't hide it from me. I want you to be happy, sad and mad at me. Just as long as its from you". I can finally close this curtain with a black blind, for it shines bright and for once i was happy for a few days. I felt no aggression, no neglect from this forbidden society where we would constantly judge. I for once felt like another, it was excitement that supplied the emotions that were positive. This kept going on for about a few months, sure there were times when she was gone, but the thought of her never made me upset. Not for any small reason.
"Deeply in his subconscious, he never realised that the mixed emotion where filling a container, and its almost full"
I was on a beach, minding my own business and wondering where she was. In her defence, she was late for she was busy with problems of her own. I was getting pissed due to the fact that she was late and wasn't polite enough to ring me. My paranoia drove me to think of outrages situation and reasons of why she was late. I was a bubble full of fire, just waiting to be popped.
This could only end in two ways.
1. She arrives to the beach all happy and suddenly i lash out at her for the second time in our whole relationship, I pulled no stop and let her have the rain with the thunder as an additional liquor to already screwed up situation. She reacted by giving me a hug, and kissed me for she felt that it was her fault for only filling him with one emotion. He understood and it was the night that changed my life. Things couldn't get better, my paranoia was no where to be found and i would have full control of what i call my emotional outbursts.
2. She arrives to the beach all messed up and had no reliable reason. She walked up to me and i lashed out at her, sparing no expense to this already derange anger i bestowed upon her. She reacted by slapping me and forcing me to stop imagining things. "Was she out of her mind?". The slap was fire to a flammable substance. I cursed her out of my life, i walked away to at least save what was left of this dying situation. I am now hating the world with every good memory i had with her, for those were indirectly change to bitter memories. So now, this world i live in has no hope or surviving from its own death grip.
Patience is behold to those who wants to see it when they are ready
quote Lucky13
I made my past the foundation on sadness,
I based them on experience of that was selfless,
I limit my sights to only the best of hearts,
Cause I know, they are my guidance to find happiness.
quote Lucky13
I will give my heart and soul into this,
Commitment would never die,
Determination for her happiness never run dry,
As my intentions are pure as an angels halo.
quote Lucky13
Sincerely,
ShinesBrightly.
No comments:
Post a Comment