Mental.

Its a feeling, that no one can ever avoid, no one can resist. You know?

quote Lucky13

Reality can be overrated sometimes, but at the same time, our dreams are developing a better story in the same time line.

People have that incredible sense of imagination that i so envy most of the time. They would be on cloud 9 ignoring their problems for they cannot care about it at the slightest bit. I want this amazing ability to actually imagine while reality still walks it line. Its difficult but it can be done with persistence and determination.

They way i adopted this almost awesome ability was by going problems. Only now that i realise that my right brain was suppressing its true potential due to the naive mindset i have. I was taken for granted, which unlocked the door to my potential. And i was afraid that if there were a few more doors, how many times must i go through it to fully feel this asset i have in me.

I shall give you this example; While walking across the street, i want it know how it feel to be hit by a car, suddenly i felt a sharp pain. It was my mind triggering its potential and sudden i saw myself get hit by a car. It was almost real, with the blood on the floor and the broken bones in my body. I was for sure that i was in a state of panic. This was just a taste of my minds power over dreams. It was experience that i needed to break this wall down.

I never asked for pain as it would find me when i am hiding with a shield of love. I broke my shield leaving me helpless. I was played for a sucker, i was used for personal gain and i was an object and not the subject to be discussed. This let me to a mental outcry for help. I was in a state of flux, unstable but still sane, unreliable but still needed and dead but still breathing. I walked alone for months my months just wondering what was the next step in this losing battle.

This was how i felt; I was heart broken once more and i wrote to better my situation. It worked for awhile, but i realised that writing just only expressed my mental state of mind, it doesn't help the physical part that i felt mentally. I was ultimately confused because i was incredibly unstable towards myself. Those restless night turned into the me crying myself to sleep. I finally broke the second wall. I fuelled myself with rage to better myself, and what i did was wrote better. I finally transformed into something that i am today.

"Mind you, this isn't story of Umar, but its Lucky13, his alter-ego that generates his personality, his other mind that makes him write terribly as such. This is what he doesn't realise, cause its not him writing it now. So do me a favour and don't tell him i am riding him silly right now. I am a non-existing being with an existing and grip on his brain. So, if he realises that i am writing this, be worried. "

I soon realise that i did not need any emotional outbreak to release this true potential, just practise and power of poetical observation. I used it, even though i never knew what was it capable of. Its complicating but yet understandable. This made me more curios and i explored this human mind more. I opened door, provoking every thought in my mind. I was in a state of shock, I had a open a door that couldn't be shut. I opened the realm of paranoia and a mind of a psychopath. I was in love and worried at the same time, I wasn't confused because the other me took over and decided whether i should or shouldn't.

It isn't insulting to saw that i've gone mental, because its you hasn't yet. I was powered beyond anything i can imagine. It was delicate thinking with a paranoid view towards the cult we call society. I am living and breathing in a fragment of his in his mind for i stay safe and locked with the door opened. I wouldn't let Umar be free from his thoughts, i shall make him a victim of his own massacrer.

Example; He would imagine, of a tale that would last beyond time could tell. It was nothing but a simple story. But i am hating the happy emotion, so i fuck with his mind, slowly he provokes every thought, and slowly i provoke him. I would confuse him between reality and fantasy by switching between the two in a random manner. While he drives, there should be a slight change of his twitches. Thats when transformation takes place, and then he would be lost in there till i let him out of cage.

With every piece of happiness coming from his heart, i slowly isolate myself until one day, i shall spring into action and finally lock your friend, Umar in his own mind. He would be different, but who knows of my intention as i am Lucky13, anonymous to others, alter-ego to him. He shall walk a long dark road, if he doesn't kill himself, then he would be lost.

I am a friend doing this once naive mind a favour by locking him so he could be at peace, to the world i shall release as i, Lucky13 would kill him at least.

Let the walls come down, show me who you are, so i can show you my world

quote Lucky13

This was a rumour,

Made to humour,

Its the power of the mind,

but power that i deprive him.

quote Lucky13

I never knew i could visit candyland twice, i never knew that life would give you chances even though you've given up on it.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

Lucky13 Anonymously

Unstable.

I cant count the emotions derived and constant flowing in me, i can use them.

quote Lucky13

I love them, i want them, but at times which is most of the time, i hate them. I envy something cause their lucky, but i love them, and hate them all at the same time. What am i?

Its either me or something in me but i can't seem to make my mind up. I am a proud person, not egoistic, even though i have just a bit running in me but who doesn't have it in them. I defend what i think is right but i also take knowledge cause "He who learns from all, is wise" quoting from Anonymous obviously. Anonymous was an idol cause he or her derived of those people that was determined in life. Lust for knowledge is never a sin.

I am an honest person, but let my story write itself with a bleach white paper and dark black pen. I was never certain one what i wanted even though i was financially stable. I couldn't buy a new house but a new toy for myself. I had a lot of habits in which i try to suppress my disorder. I would constantly ask my parents who loved me for what i was. They always said "We couldn't have a better son". I love it when they say that, but in the back of my head was paranoia, "what if their saying that cause their forced too".

I had an optimistic childhood, good balance of good and exposure to nonsense. I wasn't innocent, i had hidden some things from my parents cause i didn't want their fragile little boy to be misunderstood for something they never hoped i'd be. I was never the one to get along with for a long time, cause i would accidentally lash out towards my friends. So people never got to me, never understood me, cause i never told them. It wasn't a fever my parents said, but i persisted cause people would give me special treatment, in which i hated terribly.

I remember one single ordeal, that inversely changed this disability and into a plus. I was holding hands with love. She was my soul, my beating heart, my ever understanding friend but she never knew of my personality disorder, why? Because of the fear of losing myself in the midst of rage. I was having an argument with love until i lashed out at her. And right after, my disorder kicked in and save the day. I was honest with her, the first person i told that i had an uncontrollable emotional problem. "Yang, I cant help myself. I suffer from this disorder since i was 5 years old, and i understand if you won't talk to me any more".

I got an unexpected reaction. "You know i would love you if you had a mental disorder, i love you and please don't hide it from me. I want you to be happy, sad and mad at me. Just as long as its from you". I can finally close this curtain with a black blind, for it shines bright and for once i was happy for a few days. I felt no aggression, no neglect from this forbidden society where we would constantly judge. I for once felt like another, it was excitement that supplied the emotions that were positive. This kept going on for about a few months, sure there were times when she was gone, but the thought of her never made me upset. Not for any small reason.

"Deeply in his subconscious, he never realised that the mixed emotion where filling a container, and its almost full"

I was on a beach, minding my own business and wondering where she was. In her defence, she was late for she was busy with problems of her own. I was getting pissed due to the fact that she was late and wasn't polite enough to ring me. My paranoia drove me to think of outrages situation and reasons of why she was late. I was a bubble full of fire, just waiting to be popped.

This could only end in two ways.

1. She arrives to the beach all happy and suddenly i lash out at her for the second time in our whole relationship, I pulled no stop and let her have the rain with the thunder as an additional liquor to already screwed up situation. She reacted by giving me a hug, and kissed me for she felt that it was her fault for only filling him with one emotion. He understood and it was the night that changed my life. Things couldn't get better, my paranoia was no where to be found and i would have full control of what i call my emotional outbursts.

2. She arrives to the beach all messed up and had no reliable reason. She walked up to me and i lashed out at her, sparing no expense to this already derange anger i bestowed upon her. She reacted by slapping me and forcing me to stop imagining things. "Was she out of her mind?". The slap was fire to a flammable substance. I cursed her out of my life, i walked away to at least save what was left of this dying situation. I am now hating the world with every good memory i had with her, for those were indirectly change to bitter memories. So now, this world i live in has no hope or surviving from its own death grip.

Patience is behold to those who wants to see it when they are ready

quote Lucky13

I made my past the foundation on sadness,

I based them on experience of that was selfless,

I limit my sights to only the best of hearts,

Cause I know, they are my guidance to find happiness.

quote Lucky13

I will give my heart and soul into this,

Commitment would never die,

Determination for her happiness never run dry,

As my intentions are pure as an angels halo.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

ShinesBrightly.

Control.

I will telling the truth about you if you stop telling lies bout me

quote Gordon Gekko

Everything must be perfect, it must be neat or i can't look at it. It must be balanced or else it won't fit the bill. That let to my social problem.

I am a person with only one rule, things must be in order or i won't agree with it. I carefully plan everything to every second of the day. I looked after myself, clean pressed shirt, neat hair and my school books one my right hand. I hated my hair cause it wasn't exactly neat without gel at night, so i decided to go bald at the age of 15. I was a social outcase cause of that small particular thing, but then it was good cause then i wouldn't waste my time, fixing my friends appearance or re-writing their work if i wanted to copy it.

My parents would love the fact that i was punctual no matter what, but hated that i rushed them to be punctual. But i loved them cause they would always bring me to a special psychologist, Dr Richard. A doctor who would actually listen my problems and laugh with at my humourless jokes. He kept me looking forward for those weekends. He diagnosed my personality disorder as Cluster C, obsessive compulsive, avoidant and dependant. I was still under control but i hated people who disturbed me, made fun of how i walk. Its not wrong to walk on only black tiles, I didn't want to make the white ones dirty.

I haven't told Dr Richard tht i've been having these awful thoughts and actions i would like to do when they either bully me or made fun of me. I hated when they would pushed me around during assembly. Then my shirt would be crumpled the whole day, so one day, i carried a knife with me. Justin shoved me but i grab a hold of his hand and stuck the knife at his biceps and twisted him. Everyone saw it, and back away. I cleaned myself up and acted normally. The teachers came up to me and brought me to the Headmasters office. I requested for them to call my parents.

"I hated it when they messed my clothes up" i said to the principle. "You know how long it took me to iron this shirt just so it would look neat, and Justin had to crumple it. Don't worry now he can't do it, cause i knew i hit a nerve" persuaded me to the principal. "I'm going to have to expel you, don't you know that?". I said "Better, so I don't have to sit in this filthy place anymore" while walking towards the door.

My parents told Dr Richard and I heard him say that I getting worse, I might get aggressive, self-defeating and it wouldn't get any better. I rushed into the room and said that I could try to better myself if no one had to bully me. I blame all of you for not giving me a normal childhood. That day, I walked back home and took the long way through the forest. I reflected on myself and how I would try to better myself. The conclusion was that I just needed to avoid everyone, even Dr Richard.

I requested that my parents would give me privacy when I was at home. I developed a few problems, I would look in the mirror twice before leaving my room, I would open the door 4 times before going through it. I wasn't able to stop these constant habits, I would automatically do this without my realisation that it's been done. I stopped all contact with my friends, because even they called me psycho but I tolerated that. I studied on my own everyday from 9am till 4pm and then only eat breakfast. I eventually stopped studying because it was the same book for 5 months.

Now my life is repetitive, I would wake up at 8am to read 10 pages of any book. Eat to slices of French toast. Shower and then look at the mirror for 5 minutes. I cleaned the house for 2 hours. Have lunch at exactly 1pm everyday having the exact same thing, which is a tin of spam. I would read a book till i finish it before having dinner. I would roll in bed for 5 times starting from the left.

I am alone, I was socially outcased, I was abusive towards other and I still am. I decided to admit myself to rehabilitation. I still live here even though I am 29 years old. This is my story and my life of repetition.

The fear of the mirror,

Keeps me wanting for more,

Cause when I see my reflection,

No medication can stop this addiction.

quote Lucky13

I am who I want to be, I am not in a shell but liquid taking shape

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

Sociopath.

May I?

Bottom up i shout to clear my head from this scar

quote Lucky13

I am using rage to fuel this post. So be understanding.

I died to heal.

This could either be short or a long story depending on how good is your imagination. I am not a simple person, i am not those who just wonder the earth with intentions for good. I'm confused with no purpose to live. I am the person who people turns to for help, cause i am reliable, never giving enough credit to himself therefore not happy. I am societies walking stick when they are and aren't sick.

I am the point man in which people go to for help, I am the one who answer peoples cries for help cause my heart is pure and i always see the best in others but not in me. Scenario: A friend is going through a break up and i try my best to distract the situation, i become a hypocrite just to make things better. I lie to both sides and manipulate each word to fit the others need. They get back together and what do i get, forgotten.

I was said from another that i never gave enough much credit to myself, the effort taken for each help given was never was debited to myself. Scenario: I helped a friend get back together with their beloved, but i cant seem to stop and get my life back on course. I am a plain piece of paper in which people write on, but the fact that the paper has no colour is demoralising already. The fact stands and write itself clearer than any piece of glass.

I was never the person for advice until one fateful event that quickly revamped my life and gave me a fresh slate to carry myself on. I was careful and delicate but i guess time never waits for any man. I learned it the hard way through heart break, i regretted it but loved the new mindset at the same time. It gave me more focus but more rage at the world at the same time. I am confused to be short.

Another event that could be recorded in my suddenly changed self was deceit, envy and love all in one single day. Its not a day to remember but its a day of interesting memories for it made me even more of who i fear to become. I am a monster hiding in a shell, once in a while i out grow this shell and find a new one. Once in a while, you can see the rage i hide from everyone as it hurts even those who are innocent or even immune to me.

I plot, plan and deliver my plan so i could finally stop this curse or burden weighing so heavily on my shoulder. Scenario: I would disappear from society, i would reappear. Analyse the situation and see the conclusion which eventually would lead to me disappearing forever. As i would say "I am societies walking stick, the will realize that they won't need me anymore once a permanent cure is found".

I was a doctor who prescribed love and hate at the same time as medicine. Now i haunt those who once used me just to remind themselves that i've had worse. I watched and slowly would make move by living in their shadow. I would wonder in the dreams when they sleep, provoking suicidal thoughts and regret in them. I want them to remember and realize that it was them who needed me just to wake up in the morning with a new meaning in life.

I would let hope guide those who i cherished, loved and cared for. But i always kept a leash to remind them this world we live in isn't so innocent as they hoped. I reminded these people that removed me in their life that without me, they would be lost in their dream and die of a pityful painful death. I wished for them to smile on a bright glittery star but somehow that wish soon faded with every laugher of sin. Innocence in every will soon fade no matter who they are.

I am in every ones mind, in their hearts, whether its their friend who helped them. I am not karma, not God but a friend of faiths. I am their conscience.

Kill the lucky13,

Kiss his grave shut,

Bury him six feet under,

Break his heart to remember.

quote Lucky13

Twisted, demented and confused in which i see no light in the distance,

Lack of faith keeps me shadow in sin and lust for reckless endangerment,

Keep the blood pumping, the mind thinking, so i could jump this fence,

So i could kill myself and never risk loves department.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

PureRage.

Repent.

What helps relief pain is pain itself

quote Ezza Melina

How people would wish they had a chance for a reset button in life, this is a story of that button.

I lived my life running either from the police or the dealers i owed money. I started this awful habit when i dropped out of school and started hanging out with my older brothers friends. I had wanted to experience on certain recreational drugs such as marijuana, happy-5, ecstasy, cocaine and heroin.

I was invited to this gig and was ask to play the guitar as rhythm. How could i refuse this chance to become famous. Before the show started, i was invited a special jamming session. The band had offered me cocaine mixed with crushed happy-5. They said that this will fuck you up and will destroy all your depression. The fact that it was drugs made me interest enough, so why not try something that would make you happy too right? I snorted a line of that mixture and the feeling kicked in instantly. I was ready to put on a show but the singer was to worried i might steal the show, so then i was offered a cigarette rolled in newspaper. I thought to myself "Maybe the ink would give a special effect, so why the hell not". I was mellow and hyper at the same time through out the whole show and the after party was a killer. More drugs.

I was offered to become the bands official rhythm line and i quickly accepted. I wrote a couple of songs for the band and made them relate my life with full of regret. They refused all of them so i turned the book into a journal. But i had more important things to do like for example: Every Thursday, Friday and Saturday, i would perform in the La' Conrad club. Never missed a special jamming session. The person who supplied the drugs was the club owner who i got closer to for special prices. when he knew of my intentions, he introduce me to the main land distributor. I would have direct access to all sorts of drugs. He had everything except for heroin because he had a general morals especially for those heroin abuser who could never kick that habit. I was happy enough that i could get my drugs for a cheaper price.

At any given time, i would have 4 different drugs on me. I was addicted to it, i missed a few practise session which led me to kicked by the bands, Stonehearts. I couldn't careless due to the fact that i had enough money to supply myself with drugs for almost 3 months. When your high day and night, you realize that the days fly by really fast. Before i knew it, i was borrowing money from my friends, parents and even former band mates. Even that wasn't enough, so i became a local snitch to the police to cut a deal with a corrupted cop. He would give me a pound of any drug for any dealer i had ratted out. I was loving the deal until the point that i deprived the whole state of their dealers. So i turn to him to fix me up, he said that he could fix his problems. I gave me a needle and i knew what to do. Before shooting up, i looked in the mirror and my morals kicked in. My small frame, red eye lids and bloodshot eyes, made me realize that things couldn't get any worse. So i quickly strapped my bicep with a belt and just injected myself with heroin.

This drug made me daring enough to commit any act of crime, stupid or just playing reckless. The one that i remember was the last stunt i pulled, i walked into the police station with my hands cuffed and escorted by a friend who got the uniform from a halloween costume shop. I walked in with the intention of walking into the evidence room and stuff all the drugs i can in my pocket and anus. It was desperate but i could at least get more money selling it to other people and become a distributor to the state. After months of shooting up and faking an arrest, i was caught in the evidence room. The policeman realized i was beyond stoned. So he fired his tazer gun at me but it was enough for him to knock me out. I quickly got up and reached for a knife that i saw in the evidence room. He rushed to me hitting me in the head with his metal baton. I was knocked out.

I woke up after a 3 week comma. I realized that i couldn't feel anything, remember anything and was wondering what was i doing in a hospital with flowers all over. I was told that i suffered from a comma and that i lost most of my memory. When i asked what had happened, no one told me anything. I remember a group of people with tattoo's, piercing's and crazy hair-styles visiting me. They didn't say much but had given me a bottle of liquor and said that it was the best bottle you can own. I wondered why but i heard them whispering something bout alcohol and crushed drugs. I didn't hesitate to drink this green looking water. I was knocked out completely, waking the next day with security outside my door.

The doctors helped me through rehabilitation and told me my whole life story. He said that i was a law abiding citizen who had no affiliations with any gangster or drug dealers. He said "A saint you are and shall always be". When i was welcome back home, i was smothered by my mother whose tears was overwhelming me with fear that i was gone for a long time. I remembered that i was in a comma and that was the only explanation. I saw my room and i had a flash back, it was weird cause i saw very profound vivid images. That night, i slept on the couch cause i was too afraid of this flash backs that was disturbing and tasteless.

One day, i was cleaning my room and getting rid of all my stuff until i found this black leather book which had lyrics apparently. And then a summary at the bottom, my first thought was that i was song writer before i had amnesia but then, the songs were to straight for a song. So my second guess was a story teller, but it had dates at the side until it stopped at 24 feb. So my last and final guess was that i was who ever i was reading about. I spent hours just reading that book entitled, 'Revival'.

No one had learnt of this particular encounter and no one shall ever know about it. I was happy with my life and was happy that i rid was given the reset button most people had hoped for. It was my chance and i took it whether i liked or not.

I drew love in the sky,

You were the wind,

You kept in moving,

But shattering at the same time.

quote Lucky13

Brilliance comes rarely,

Taste perfection slowly,

Deny envy whatsoever,

Love me unconditionally.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

Amnesia

Anatomy of a Poetic Murderer.

Aggression is my obsession for progression.

quote Lucky13

A illusive mask wearing serial murderer. His stories, confessions and his ordeal.

I was rare bread amongst the general population. I was a fast learner and i could anything, whether it was origami or a magic trick with only lesson. I developed this method of observe and repeat the persons actions without a mistake when i was a young spoiled brat. I envied those who were ahead. This is my hypocritical story.

I went to a decent school and scored. Soon after i received a scholarship from to further my studies in the field of medicine. I majored the human anatomy and minored in human intelligence. My studies was simple, study a human being from the inside out. I knew what he didn't need in him, and what was important. I finished my studies with flying colours but made a few enemies in the process.

In University, i was a bit antisocial due to the fact i was focusing on certain books for example; The Strategist, Colours of War and the certain psychology books. My favourite book was Sun Tzu's Art of War, the art of a gentle take over. I wanted to major in literature but the University was afraid that i would a lot to study to they denied my application. I was furious, i threatened the department but i apologised my actions due to a uncontrollable burst of emotions.

I was working in an old Hospital where victims of the World War2 where given aid. I loved the rich history in this hospital but i hated the underground tunnels where they transported goods. The reason being was because the tunnel was unstable, scary and unused for many years. I was head doctor at the Saint Hospital because i had 2 Philosophical Doctor certificates or Ph.D as people would say. I was the doctor on call when a certain operation was needed to be done or a certain homicide case needed to be solved.

After my 15 years reign as head, i was taken over by a person who out witted me. He had a trademark move by showing his right thumb when things went well for him.When this event happened to me, i was 57 years of age and filled a law suit against this person for improper conduct. The case was dismissed because my lawyer was bride and all the evidence was lost. I was an old man fearing the word retirement, but i accepted a job in the pharmaceutical department after applying for it. I would research on the cure for cancer or certain strains of diseases.

My plan was to have a gentle take over and reclaim my post as head doctor. I took months to devise plans for certain people getting my revenge in the process. I started of with my corrupted lawyer. I met him one day in a coffee house wanting to discuss my will if i were to suddenly die. I saw that he had wrote my beach house to be his possession after my death. I asked him to meet me at my office in the hospital. I was determine to have my revenge in the most calmest manner. I secretly slipped Rohyphenol or Roofies as its common known into his tea.

I woke him up with Epinephrine or Adrenaline where he realised that he was a small tunnel with only one source of light, which was the headlamp i was wearing. I tied him up one a stretcher exposing him chest. My first intention was to inject him with more adrenaline so that he would no pass out for his procedure. I broke his breast plate with a hammer and a scalpel to expose his heart. The amount of blood rushing out was beyond any surgery i had made but i kept going on. I showed him his heart and said "This is for screwing my life up, corruption is a bitch". I left his chest open and buried him alive in a wooden box with a huge smile from ear to ear.

I diverted my attention to the doctor who took my job. He was the one that i was saving for last. I had done the same thing to him as my i did to lawyer. I drugged him to bring him to the WW2 tunnels. I was careful to take my time with him ask i wanted to savour every moment. I was very poetic about his procedure.

First, I slowly chopped his right thumb and said "I love it when you show me this thumb, now i can show it to you". I sewed his thumb back on. Remember, i didn't inject him with any drug to relief the pain cause i wanted him to endure the pain that he inflicted on me when i lost my job. I sewed his lips together cause his voice was annoying to me, "I loved it when you gave speeches to the undergraduates, but i was annoyed by it at the same time". I used a hole puncher and punched holes in his eyes so when he closed them, light would still come in. The plus side was also that blood went into his eyes everytime he blinked. But the best was when i used a blunt knife and cut his head open. It exposed his brain to me, i would take certain pieces leaving his primary sensory such as nerve, visual, auditory and his somatosensory. Why you ask i did this, i replied with this question, "Where's the fun when he cant feel, see or hear what i inflict on him". "Now i shall mess with your mind and leave you to die" said i with laughing at his pitiful cries. I left him alive but did not bury him as i had planned something. I was careful to leave no evidence but a letter saying "Thank you for the doctor".

After a week of unreturned calls, and a police report filed for the missing doctor, the share holders have decided to put in charge as i was most responsible. I had thought of a plan for a person to accidentally fine his body in the tunnels without putting to much unwanted attention towards myself. I suggested to expand the morgue to more colder location so that the bodies will not decompose faster and that the tunnel was the extra space. The share holders agreed on this ingenious idea i had. So a contractor had to survey the tunnel and he found the body as planned. A full investigation was filed and that i was needed to determine the cause of death or Forensic Pathologist as its called. I had wrote an exact step by step report of my own procedure on him. I laughed at the irony that i was his murderer and his forensic pathologist.

I am now 73 years old and having plans of retiring for my son to become head doctor. I am a poet, murderer, pathologist and happy man in that order.

Let rain wash the blood under your finger nails.

quote Lucky13

I cant figure whether a cat or rat,

Would be casing each other for,

I am cat casing my rat,

Casing my dream and pin it to the floor.

quote Lucky13

I wish upon a wishing star,

Just wondering how far you are,

No distance to great,

No limit to break.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

MedicalMe.

Solitude.

Star fell accordingly, thats when wishes do come true.

quote Lucky13

His reality is not what it seems and his dreams control him, i Schizo patient with a possessive obsession of control towards mind. This is his story, or his dream.

Every patient remembers his first delusion, it was when i was walking on burnt charcoal and heard a demonic scream. His shoulder was bearing a tremendous load, his eye dried cause of heat from the ground. He wonders off into revert animation, its either i'm sleep walking or discovered a new portal to a certain level of hell. I saw mountains of bodies, rivers of blood and heard deafening shouts for help. I soon enough woke up, not realizing the difference between reality and a paranoid subconscious.

I would have the same dreams for days, waking up in my own pool of sweat. I started thinking of disturbing images like: The end of days with torture being the meal of the day, a disfigured child having sweet revenge towards his drug abusing mother and the images of the Anti-Christ in everyones shadows. I would speak clearly, then preached of an upcoming event, predicting everyones future within a blink and mutter till i had a seizure. My mum noticed the difference by the glare of my eyes, me screaming at everyone who touched me. The doctor diagnosed with Schizophrenia due to the high levels of dopamine in my mesolimbic pathway.

My whole world change that day, but the sudden realization of me getting away of murder is somehow disturbing but pleasing at the same time. I was insisted to be admitted to the loony bin but i threatened to burn it down the first day i got there. I was a flight risk, got pulled out of school, less contact to the outside world cause of my sudden outbursts towards civilians. Whether it was beating them senselessly because they claim to be Lucifer or seeing ghost in the middle of the day. When i was in my neutral state of mind, I heard that the possibility of cure was not to be hoped for. I turned red the world was victim, i nearly killed a man working in a convenient store cause he looked at me wrong.

I had no interest in pleasing anyone, whether its my ill-hearted mother or the priest that tried to bless me and rid of the devil me. I would curse at them for touching me or even smile at me. I saw their smiles as a big sign that says "I'm gonna kill you tonight". My paranoia got the best of me, it drove me crazy. I would lock myself in my room with no food or light and just reflect on my visions. It would be the same dream everytime, an eclipse follow by Armageddon and the Race war that would rid of the world population to a small number in the millions. I drew my depictions or wrote of them.

My world was behind a wall with nothing entering my mind, no knowledge processable its not what i heard but what i wanted to hear to relief me. Stubborn, wreckless, indecisive, paranoid and delusional was my brain process that made me pull my hair till i was bleeding from scalp. I would savor every drop of blood as a gift from myself to myself to satisfy myself. I never saw myself curable and somehow i was happy and confused.

The mind is a game in which you are the host, player and cheater.

quote Lucky13

Misreading gestures integrates me,

I break down with shattering consequences,

Whether manner was right nor wrong,

I see the right in every wrong possible.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

PatrioticSchizophrenic.

Hero.

No words i can use, to express this loneliness.

quote Lucky13

Now i cant say kicking the habit is easy, cause it isn't. I write this to let everyone know the difficult life of a junkie.

Every time i get excited just looking at Smurf when he heats up the batch and usually i insist on injecting it myself cause then i cant blame him for anything. Smurf is a funny character, born and raised here in the lands. He earned his nickname cause one time, he choked on a meatball and turned blue. He would never turn down a potential customer, he has his moral line tho, don't overdose at his place. His a nice guy to begin with, i would do things just to score with him and get free stock.

I love watching the syringe digging into my skin, pull the stopper mixing blood in the process and finally watch this lovely cocktail rush into me. The fun only starts when i loosen the belt, after that, all hell breaks loose. I was making love to the judge, jury, executioner, dominatrix, victim, homosexual and even myself. Imagine the best orgasm you've ever had, times it by a million and it still wont cut the cheese. I would constantly get orgasms one after another.

I didn't come from a fancy big shot lifestyle with money to burn. I came from a broken home, never met me mum and a perverted dad. I would catch that sick fuck watching me bath. I know i'm the only girl in the family but i think i knew why me mum left. In Her Majesties Land, there aren't many families living in poverty, but the ones who do are not getting any better. We struggle to finish the day and then start all over again in the bloody morning.

I found solitude one night, while partying at this club uptown near the docks. A friend invited me for a special kind of sex, he injected me and i was hooked. I spent my savings for college in just 4 months, it was worth every penny. I sometime ended up in the hospital handcuffed to the bed with Old Bill standing outside writing a report. I was in rehab for couple of times, where i met Smurf. We ran from rehab and now live in a condemned building in the slums of Lancaster. I would go to the main land where i met friends. They would see me either working in a restaurant, or the cleaners where i would steal clothes or even at the clinic to steal some prescription slips and syringe for Smurf.

My figure shouts junkie, my eyes are a constant bloodshot and my hair is falling. But when its the syringe and me, the whole world can get fucked for i care. I am at piece when i see this mixture going in me. The expression is surpass words, incomparable to anything amazing. But all things must come a abrupt end at some point. The after effect is what i would call the Pit from Hell when Smurf asks me what stage am i in. It forces me to reflect on my current predicament, makes me realize that this life is not a long one.

I will one day kick the habit but not anytime soon, maybe when the doctors catches me stealing slips, or when i die. Till the day i'm six feet deep, i shall shoot heroin for it is my hero and my heroin.

Addiction drives itself into an bottomless pit,

Auto-pilot uncompromisingly engaged,

Nothing stands in between me and a hit,

Not even the feeling of being loved.

quote Lucky13

We usually define ourselves as pure as long as the subconscious agrees with it, think about it.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

AddictsKick.

Balance.

I say a lie for your safety, I tell you the truth, just cause i know its the only way

quote Lucky13

Here's a story with a guideline to the mystery, be smart, use the riddle for the summary, and the mystery for the story.

Ever since the day i could remember, I would label others but life, being a common hypocrite, would not let others label me. My ego was above all and i would deny it but the truth is that i wanted to be first in everything, would not accept defeat for it shows weakness in my armor. I know i'm not well privileged and i cant own the finer things in life. I am now working man of 27 years old with a stable pay and a loving girlfriend.

I was close to 2 friends, i labelled them truth and lie. I would hate truth for being honest but love him for the same reason. I loved lie for it brings me interesting dilemmas but hated the fact i preferred it more than truth. I still remember one small event in my life but thats not important, not yet anyways.

I hated egoistic people as they would get in my way, truth. But they would tell you lies that cant be seen to slow you down. My girlfriend was a modest tolerating person, she would love me for a being an ass but hate the fact i called her names once we had a big fight. She knows i'm a person that can make the situation better, lie. I would always talk to her, she was my private psychologist, my lover, my bestfriend, my safe box and my dream. We knew each other since we were 12 and dated after high school, soon after we stayed at her house in Langkawi, truth.

We ran away from our parents, our friends, truth. And our problems too, lie. It followed us cause i was the problem, but I have no ego, lie. She would accuse me of coming home drunk and smelling of cigarette smoke, but i was at Seafood restaurant closing a deal with a firm, lie. She couldn't see through my lie, truth for now.

Remember the story i was delayed up top? Here it goes, i was a flight risk for not being honest with everyone, truth. I would say many things and not deliver. Over the years, i developed a flawless way of lying and not realize that difference between truth and lie when speaking. But when i hear, i know the rhythm, the method of breathing, the eye contact, the hand movement, and the stance needed for a person to pull a perfect lie. I would study them and see their balance of each trait. I had become a lie detector but was blinded to see that i wasn't detecting myself.

My girlfriend wasn't a bad liar, she would keep eye contact, fake a tear and then rush to my shoulder, truth. I would love her effort for trying but i would say "You can tell me anything and i won't be mad no matter". I sedated her with that line everytime and the truth sip our sooner or later, lie.

I haven't been honest with myself; Fact1. i am a man who earns, but by lying to others bout investing in me and then run away with their money, but i would only ask for those who had millions. How i do i know this, when you have ego, you have a mindset. Reading a person was a easy sly deal. Fact2. I have another girlfriend who knows of my wealth but does not know i have another woman, truth. Fact3. I have been living an honest mans life, partially truth, cause i would only take a certain amount every year, give myself bonuses.

I am who i am cause i write myself high and mighty cause i am entitled to do so. I know my life is perfect, lie. I wish i would stop my horrid ways, lie. I cant say that i am happy with my life but then that would be a lie, truth. The risk factor for every con made is what keeps me going, truth. Who are you to judge. Do i block every nonsense coming from those procrastinators, no, why? Because i let my ego do it for me.

A thin line separates truth from lie, sometimes it becomes blurry, but who notices your mental health?

quote Lucky13

I keep my friends close,

The truth closer,

My hearts desire closest,

So lies are what lies in my heart.

quote Lucky13

It does not take a man,

Just the mind,

Sane or not,

It paints portraits of words.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

TruthorLie

Psychopathic.

How you would sacrifice, in order to compensate

quote Lucky13

Love has no boundaries, it can involve an unwilling participant to endure with the imperfections. But that might be the reason why you love him.

Since i was young, i hear screaming from downstairs, i rush down but my brother insists me and sister we stay inside our rooms. It was all natural until one day he locked the door, for a second i had realize that tonight was different. The screaming stopped once i here tyres rolling away fast. My brother went down stairs and only came up once the ambulance drove away. I cried asking why, my baby sister was holding her teddy bear holding my brother's and my hand. I can't forget the picture.

Soon after that i lived in an orphanage where i constantly get bullied by other kids but i stuck with my brother and sister. One day, Yun, my sisters nickname, was adopted leaving me and my brother in the orphanage. We grew up in there because no one wanted to adopt a 16 and 10 year old boy. So we watched each others backs just to survive.

I love the memory of the day i graduated from University doing psychology, it meant i could help others but that memory was quickly saddened by the death of Bang, my brothers nickname. He was a statistic in a road accident, which upsets me. I would pay my respects every time with Yun. One day, i went there alone, as i was wondering looking at each tombstone curious of who i might find. I found someone that made me tear up, it was mummy. This quickly revamp me into childhood memories where i would hide under the bed with Yun while my brother waited beside the door.

After crying at the grave, i wanted to help people who had domestic problems. It was an unofficial type of service. I would charge them free of charge, i would make more orphans, but as long as the memory of me hiding could be relived. I loved it when they call me not expecting what they deserve, i just wish my step dad could see what drives me to do what i do. He would be proud, i hope.

One day, i knew my day job would allow me meet some people to at least earn income, but i never thought i would meet the love of my life. She was on therapy because of some drug related problem. One day as i left my day job to do my night job, i felt i was shadowed by a persons. I quickly tried losing them and i hoped i did.

This couple was a typical child abusing parent who deserved to be abused mentally and physically. I remember this moment cause it was special not due to murders but cause of the person i met. As i left the house Patient189 was staring at me, i quickly smothered her with my blood covered hands transferring it to her lips. I gazed at her eyes to see her reaction. I brought her back to my place and bought her silence for free dosage of vicodine. She stared at me with passion as i was kind enough to keep her warm. We both rushed at each other with great romance and made love very violently.

'The Domestic Killer' was my name in the papers, and it stated there were no leads what so ever. I felt immune to the law. I stopped my frenzy as to spend more time with 189, but the passion was slowly dying.

The only way to keep the romance flaring was to ask her to watch me kill. One day, i helped a couple resolve their situation but no realizing it would be my last day living. The neighbors heard screaming apparently. I was distracted by 189 as she would hold my hand in stabbing while bitting my lips. We heard sirens closing by.

"Yun don't follow my steps, i'm sorry for everything i hope, you'll still love me baby sis" i said on the phone to Yun. I kissed 189 and stabbed her in chest. I slit my hand for a more slower and calm death. I realized, i wanted the memories to be lived, i wanted to walk the steps and stopped my parents from fighting. I regret nothing as my life is perfect cause of the love and sad balancing act.

Yun side; She was always receiving gifts from me, and she knew that it would be victims jewelry. But she loved me too much to see me in jail cause she knew that my childhood wasn't perfect. She grew up becoming a pre-school teacher with 3 kids, and a loyal loving husband.

For a bloodshot smile,

I would kill for a mile long grin,

For a imperfect life,

I use the other end of a knife.

quote Lucky13

Staring at her eyes made me the world with no pain and suffering, I was only blinded not shielded.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

PerfectKarma.

Reactions.

Seize the moment, capture the scene, trap the memory, forgive and forget.

quote Lucky13

How awful is it to meet someone with your interest in an unlucky scene or venue. Like getting your license without a car to drive. Such an inconvenient pleasure i would say. So the story goes like this in reality.

I walk through the glass window doors and started thinking of who actually invented the automatic door sensor was either lazy or smart to ease congestion. I wonder till i get to the counter to check-in. Then i started wondering but how travelling made things easier for our generation.

Once i was knocked to reality, i just remembered how the was feeling to study at Aussie. The gatherings i had in my room with my mates, either drinking or just relaxing. As i sit at outside reading 'The Joys of Stress' by Dr. Peter Henson while smoking my cigarette. I see this girl walking through the door looking almost lost.

I walked up to her and said "Waiting for a friend to arrive?" not realizing the amount of luggage she carried. "I can't find the check-in counter, where it is?" she said. After conversing and then helping her around the airport. We had a smoke outside and she asked where i was from, i said "Local". "I'm backpacking through Asia just for the experience" she answered when i asked the same question.

We quickly clicked cause of our common interests. Then i had a sudden realization, "Shit, i think i like her". She had the same look in her eyes when we stared for minutes at one point. We went at the side of the airport for a more romantic setting and we made out passionately.

We quickly parted ways once i had to board my flight. She followed me into the terminal holding my hand, and leaning on my shoulder. I kissed her just before the final check-point. I blew her a flying kiss and wondered if i could skip this flight but it would irrational as she too had a flight of her own in an hour. So i walked with an amazing but yet sadly feeling pressing down against me.

I ran back out to see her there and asked whether she wouldn't mind if i flew to Hawaii to spend more time with her. She said "No love". I asked why thinking of maybe a reasonable answer and what i got was "Love, what we had was special but face facts, you live so far away and i'm sure things won't work out". The fact that the effort wasn't there was hurtful enough, so i just accepted the fact that she missed out on love and just sat in seat crying.

Her side of the story; She was a player who fed on the emotions of guys. She was saving herself for her highschool sweetheart back home, that too was emotionally unstable cause of her.

Waking up everyday is a risk itself, portray yourself facing decisions

quote Lucky13

The truth,

Its a story worth hearing,

But it too is a sword that cuts both ways,

So be cautious if you are pursuing it.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

JoysofStess

Solo-ution.

Dating a loaded gun is exciting, so is playing Russian roulette

quote Lucky13

This isn't a story based on real events, its a story i wrote when i think of love, its for awhile but it leaves a scar.

We wonder how happiness actually affects behavior, sudden realization tends to spoils the happiness. But it amplifies sadness, so don't think when your happy, just feel it.

As i sit on my stool staring at the snow covered trees, i keep thinking about her. I am determined to do it this time, i'm sure of it. She is finally happy with the situation, i am content to do this act just because i wanna die happy. I take a handful of sleeping aid mixing it with a cocktail. As i suddenly realize that my life will flash before me, i read the things i wrote for you.

Oh shit, i feel light headed, numbness in my chess, the room is spinning, i quickly fall with the letters in my hand crashing into the night stand. I said in my mind ' I'm sorry if i never could make you happy again, i'm glad my friend brings you happiness'. And then, darkness.

I wake up, it was like a hang over, wait. Why are there needles in me, why am i strapped to the bed, i started crying of this cruel heaven. Then a man with a flashlight rushes into the room and check my pupils and say sir, how are you? I answer, did i succeed. He injected me with something that quickly made me sleepy. I woke up next to the window thinking, this is a mental institute. I shout, "WHY, why am i here" with tears running down. Suddenly i see her.

She was crying by just looking at me, she said "Why love, WHY?! Why do this to yourself, i loved you but i was just not happy at the fact you didn't'. She stopped and cried on my shoulder, her tears soaking into my white shirt. The doctor came by asking "Did you tell him yet miss?". I stare at love and ask "What wrong?". She said "The pills nearly killed you, I saw you on the floor with your rolled back, so i called the ambulance. They tried saving you". I abruptly stopped her and said "SAVED?". She said that the doctor pumped my stomach but the pills kicked in too fast for them to save me. Now my heart is very weak and i have an estimated time to live.

I suddenly get tunnel vision, quickly followed by a thump to the head. I have fainted. I woke up to find myself in new clothes in bed with a Love sleeping on the couch. I moved to her side, kissing her gently to savor the moment, then i suddenly teared, realizing the situation. I would die to see her happy, and when she is happy, i am dying, life can't be more sarcastic.

I just laid on her lap, thinking but soon i was fast asleep. I was suddenly woken up with a sharp pain in my chest, i pressed the red button and a nurse rushed in. She said not worry, its just your heart trying its best to pump blood. I knew i didn't have much time, I knew what i must do. I had plan an evening with Love to let the memories die so it could be cherished better. I had mention to her about my plans, she said "Sure thing dear".

So i had the evening set in the common room next to the big window where I had first met her after my incident. I was excited till my chest was in pain, i waited while my heart started throbbing feeling me with adrenaline. I looked at watch that was dusty, and she was late. Suddenly, i couldn't breathe, i collapsed, and my heart hurt more than usual. I fell of chair. On the floor, i was determine to call her, so i crawled to the nearest phone, then sudden darkness.

Her side of the story; She was running late due to a date which I had introduced to Love. She was only at the main door when i was dialing her number.

The last words you say, might not be important, but it does mean something.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

Suicide101

Whiskey to Whiskers.

We sometimes lead instead of follow for some unknown proof that we can better ourselves with another rhythm.

quote Lucky13

I sometimes stand thinking of what should be done, or think of what needs to be done but in fact the solution to this problem is easier played instead of planning. Subliminal messaging our minds to do good when the core is born to rebel against mask wearing hypocrites. We see liars but we can't just point fingers, evidence is key to this investigative series. We simply can't ask others to believe without showing the smoking gun or the blood covered gloves.

We are victims of our procrastination, we dictate our subconscious, we force our mind to think before act. That limits the adrenaline, a natural addiction and sometimes indirectly forces us to go 'Cold Turkey'. Therefore killing us slowly with a boring and unnatural death. Lick the wall, kiss the veil, french the banner, do whatever it takes, don't forget, tales come back to bite.

A wire of lies, a line of cocaine, a string of deceit, a decaying drama, we remember the black clouds of the endless rain.

quote Lucky13

Summer dances with envy,

As the weight falls like an anvil,

We realize that courage beyond gravity,

Is sometimes crazy.

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

MajorColonelBacon.

Paraless.

Better things in life i want, she says she deserves better.

quote Lucky13

Motion sickness, lies from a washed up prom queen, her Pom Poms stained with glitter and mud. He was drunk and she was willing, they were having and the stalker started dreaming. A knife to the temple, a scream soon follows with the sudden silence that gives you goosebumps. A murderer with no motif but the grin that shows Bob with strike once more.

Based on a fiction flick, the world we live in has an opposite with dark alley setting, murderers persona and a knife welding serial killer. Like the character, i have no motif of doing what i do, its just that i'm good at it. But even a doctor does not prescribe his own medicine. He too like most, seeks help.

I see shadows strolling the park in the midnight light, i see breathe being taken but no one there. I hear whistling but theres not figure, I cough and someone says bless you. Its not the figment of my imagination but the serial killer, we meet in this lonesome dark alley for a diplomatic solution. Killing and writing seems to be the same, only difference is there is no life lost when expressing my side while he shows art in a form of blood.

I watch as he expresses his form of art, I laugh at the pitiful face his victim makes. I show him how true art is formed and he being unstable, laughs at the thought of meaningful literature. A shallow pool i sank into, i must not make him angry for i may be a victim of the 'Performer'. So i gracefully laughed with him and making fun of my work. 'We are both Leonardo at heart' said I. A small gesture but still a sign of good faith from him lets me breathe normally again.

Since that day, i never met the 'Performer' until one day i saw him in an art gallery. I thought to myself, 'has he gone legit?'. I looked closer to his work, the victims he once tortured, this was their blood but expressed in a proper manner. Everyone is praising a serial killer for his art. The studio smells of blood and mud.

The courage to stand for his work, inspires me till today. Serial killer is a title like a Prime Minister or a Manipulator. But he wanted to noticed for his art work in a different perspective.

Meaning; We can do as we like, people might not like it, but make sure they see all angles of this story to find the missing swan.

Poetry can be expressed,

Like a tailor making a dress,

Whether its a fit with zip,

Or a busted lip.

quote Lucky13

Stop looking thru the magnifying glass

quote Lucky13

Sincerely,

Gloryglory